“No, and if we left you to it you never would be.” Muttered Amy under her breath. “That’s why we came prepared”. She pushed aside the photograph album. “None of these are any good, they are all either ancient or have plankton head in them, I’m not being cruel Caroline but I honestly think it’s time you put that album away once and for all. Do you really need any reminders of what a total git he was? it’s time to move on love.”
“You’ve got it so wrong, that’s not why I keep it, here, look at this one”. Caroline reached over and pulled out a picture of a younger, Caroline standing next to Plankton head, A.K.A Stuart Pritchard, ex-husband and all round lying scumbag. “Look at his eyes”.
Both women bent over and stared intently at the grainy image in front of them. At first it seemed like the usual innocuous print to be found in albums in any household.
“What’s he looking at? asked Louise, her nose almost touching the print, thirty seven she might be but no way was she ever going to admit to needing reading glasses.
“Looks like Miranda Templeton’s arse” Amy turned the photograph over and read out loud, “Jon and Liza’s wedding, June ’99”.
“That was the first time he got caught on film so to speak but I was too thick to see it. I just kept plodding along thinking it was ME that there was something wrong with ME. That I was the one at fault. By the time he finally left I had no feelings for him left at all. The album is there to remind me that I’m not going down that road again. Yes I want to date and meet the man of my dreams I just need a bit of a kick start that’s all. The photographs in this album reminds me of what I don’t want any more.” She opened the draw and shoved the album away, closing it again with a decisive snap, took a deep breath and said, “Ok ladies, bring it on, where’s that camera!”.
Forty five minutes later Amy and Louise sat back to admire their handy work whilst an extremely apprehensive Caroline gazed into the mirror tweaking at her newly tonged hair.
“You don’t think it’s too much do you, a bit too made up? I don’t want to look like mutton dressed as lamb.”
“We aren’t old enough to be mutton yet thank you very much. Stop fiddling!” exclaimed Amy, slapping Caroline’s hand away from her hair. “Come on Lou, your turn, grab the camera… Strike a pose please Caro………
“Ok, that’s the easy part… Now, what do we write?”
They sat around the coffee table staring intently at Caroline’s lap top almost as if expecting the sales pitch to write its self…. Fingers poised.
“Humm… How about.. Voluptuous, sensual, tactile Tigress on the prowl searching for a Tiger to tame , I will make you purr….Or.. Strong, independent woman about town (37) looking for light entertainment and maybe more… Or, broad minded lady seeks male to share discreet daytime fun!!”
“Stop it, stop it, STOP IT! Exclaimed Caroline, hands firmly over her ears. they have to be the most atrocious ad’s I have ever heard..What sort of girl do you think I am?”
“I thought the Tiger one was brilliant. “pouted Louise disappointedly.
“You would, you thought of it..” Snorted Caroline disgustedly.
“What’s wrong with them then?”
“Well , the Tiger one is way too corny. Look at me, in any way shape or form do I resemble that kind of wild cat?”
Amy and Louise looked at her then as one turned to each other… “Nah”.
Caroline ignored them and continued, “I’m not strong minded, everyone knows I’m as soft as soppy putty, that’s how come Stuart was able to hitch a ride on the front of half the loose nickered bimbo’s in the village. God knows there were enough clues but every time he managed to blag his way out of trouble because I just didn’t have the guts to rock the boat. so that’s the end of that one and like I already said, I won’t play the dirty slapper, so what now?”
They all flopped back on Caroline’s sofa and for a few moments the only sound in the room was the muted sounds of Tommy the terrible teen next door and his thrash metal.
“I’ve got it!” exclaimed Louise sitting bolt upright. She swung round, placed her fingers on the keyboard and cleared her throat.. “How about this…
“HI, MY NAME IS CAROLINE, I’M 37, I HAVE LONG BROWN HAIR AND DARK BROWN EYES. 5’6 WITH MORE CURVES THAN A F1 RACE TRACK.. “men love a girl who can do sport talk”, she confided knowingly then continued.. “I LOVE WALKING ALONG A WINDSWEPT BEACH IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER WITH A WARM ARM WRAPPED AROUND ME.. CURLING UP INFRONT OF A WARM FIRE, LISTENING TO THE RADIO.. SILLY CARTOONS AND FISH AND CHIPS SITTING ON THE HARBOUR WALL WATCHING THE SUMMER SUN SETTING THROUGH THE MASTS OF THE YACHTS”. She paused looking for approval from her friends who nodded avidly.
“Wow Lou, that was fantastic I never realised you were so poetic. Your turn now Caro,” prompted Amy. “What are you looking for in a man? Apart from a snug, well filled pair of jeans..”What??” Amy shrugged, “I know what you two are like, I’m not the only one who enjoys blokey bottom watching, so you can stop looking at me like I’m a dirty old woman thank you very much…. At this moment in time what would you say was your ideal man?”